I've been in pain for most of the second half of the day.  I sat on my ass for hours waiting for something that didn't happen.  I got pissed and upset and cried and was stubborn and then succumbed.  I feel sweaty and gross but it's too late to shower.  I vurped up some coffee earlier and I just sneezed all over myself three times.  I don't smell so great right now and my throat stings.

I've been getting that feeling of someone following me again.  Remember that?  Nah.  But I do.  I just keep my head down, though.  Don't want any more trouble.  If I ignore them they'll lose interest.  Maybe.

Apparently in the early morning I thrash around in my sleep.  Michelle noted this since she slept on my floor this weekend.  I told her I had a history of having nightmares, citing Trey as a source, but she questioned his credibility.  Thinking about him makes me sad.

An hour marker on Jacob's watch has come loose.  His ex gave him that watch.  I'll admit I was hoping he'd replace it, but today he told me that he can take it to a jeweler to get it repaired cheaply.  He keeps a framed little picture his other ex painted him on his desk too.  It's probably silly to worry about these things but I can't help but wonder if in the future he'll be telling his new girlfriends horror stories about me.

I have therapy tomorrow.  I've never liked therapy.  It always feels fake to me.  I don't get what's so easy about confiding in a complete stranger, even if they have a bunch of plaques on their walls and speak with gentle voices.  And it always makes me miserable to talk about everything that's wrong with me for an hour.  But I usually leave there feeling pretty good.  This new counseling center is much better than what I had at home.  I should appreciate it more, but I guess I'm still scared to open up.  I naturally shun responsibility and that goes for my own well-being too.  And that just makes me more depressed so it doesn't even make sense for me to do it.  Oh well...all in time I suppose.

I always feel like I'm operating on Jacob's schedule.  I eat lunch with him because that time frame's his only break in the day and I wait for him to text me for dinner and pretty much do nothing until he makes plans.  Maybe that's one of the reasons why this weekend was so great.  I was operating on a whole new schedule with Michelle here.  I felt more in control than I usually do and of course I was more hyper and talkative and happy.  I felt bad because I regressed into my typical grey mood after she left.  The sky got grey too and the temperature dropped after she was gone.  It was cloudy today after being clear all weekend.  Isn't that funny?  Heathus must have blessed us with good weather to have fun in.  Good--it would've been miserable if it had been raining.  We couldn't have go-karted or gone out as much or gone on the nature reserve.  It really was a great weekend.

I like how the honors college bitches about not having any money while spending so much on presentations about food.  They've booked auditoriums and vans and have all this crap about food processing and they're like "Waaah we can't do family activities!"  No, of course, instead we should have people talk about things they think are important.  It's much more important than family time.

I'd also like to be selfish and rant about home.  I hear people all the time whining about how they want to go home.  I haven't been home since I've gotten here.  It's been almost four months.  And yet people bitch and moan about not seeing their friends when they live two fucking hours away.  Jacob makes a good point: UCA is a suitcase school.  People go home almost every weekend.  As a result, they continue dating and fucking in their old high school groups and never upgrade to new people.

I like whining.  It's therapeutic.

I'm tired of...

• ...being...
• ...filled with hate.
• ...scared.
• ...lonely.
• ....jealous.
• ...depressed.
• ....tired.
• ...regretful.
  
• ...people who...
• ...are fake.
• ...lie.
• ...are whores.
• ...have no thought of others.
• ...are ignorant.
• ...this...
• ...room.
• ...life.
• ...depression.
• ...anger.
• ...me.
  

The leaves are stuck to the ground, but their stems are sticking up in the air.  The aftermath of rain has pinned them to the concrete.  There are worms, too.  So many worms.  Most of them are unmoving but some are wriggling frantically as if confused at the hard surface beneath them.  There are so many of them littering the sidewalk that it's nearly impossible not to step on some.

I have nothing to do for Halloween.  Jacob won't dress up and there aren't any parties I feel like going to.  Ryan invited me to a huge dance party at Hendrix--the tiny private college nearby--but they're big drinkers so it's not appealing.  Plus, I don't like parties, I don't like being surrounded by people I don't know in a place I'm not familiar with, I don't like dancing, I don't like drunk fat chicks in slutty costumes, and I don't like drunk guys yelling.

I'm gonna be the least happy Harley Quinn since Batman left her crying in Arkham Asylum.